I made some mistakes that could have been VERY bad, but I calmed myself down, stopped being so dramatic, and just told myself to calm the fuck down.
This is me about ten minutes ago. I'm not very good with selfies, and this was the best of the bunch...I blurred out the background, and added the minimalist filter I had in a poor attempt to keep some anonymity -but I imagine this is a version of how I would looked born female...not having any knowledge of makeup application, only one ear pierced, and closer, but not quite there on finding my correct foundation shade. Still can't do my eyes! If you saw me on the street I imagine you'd be able to put two and two together. I'm frightened and happy right now.
Point two five seconds later and I may have been making a nice smile..but, as I said, new to selfies, never really wanted to see myself. That guy is boring, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnyway.
Whatever. So I feel like I grew today. I've been complaining about my dresses and other things I ordered from Forever21 not showing up in a timely manner. The short story is that the courier messed things up and after three days of talking to customer service I told them, "Fine, I'll just pick it up." It wasn't to far from my place, so I went to their depot.
I got there, sat anxiously for a minute in my car then went in. Of course there were three pretty women working the counter, and a lobby full of burly construction working type men. So, I walked to the counter and asked for my order. The girl came back. She needed ID, I gave her my license, but forgot that I hadn't changed my address in over a year for car insurance reasons. It hasn't been a problem until now. She couldn't give me the package because my ID address didn't match the shipping address. So there I am arguing over a bright yellow bag clearly labelled Forever21 in a lobby full of men dropping off motor parts, steel, or whatever THEY do, until one of the girls asks if maybe I have an e-mail from the website. I had my PRIVATE email account on my phone, brought up my e-mail receipt, clearly showing everything I ordered. My longish now nails holding the phone for her to read. They were cool enough about it, I'm sure they see guys picking up odd things all the time.
So, finally it was all worked out. I took my bright yellow bag, and took it to my car with a smile on my face. The girls there clearly have some idea of what I was doing, but they were at least nice enough to be professional about the situation. I was happy, because I stayed calm and didn't flinch, shake, or make an awkward excuse at any point. I know Forever21 is mocked, but they had some good deals on the website. I got in my car and smiled all the way home.
I feel like, not that I was standing up to everyone there, because they were all indifferent for the most part, I was standing up to myself. I was tossing my give a fucks in the trash located outside the door.
It felt soooo good.
I came home, had a shower/shave. Got dressed, and spent maybe 10 minutes on my makeup....I'm still learning....but hopefully getting better. I was so excited! 2 new dresses, A pair of hot pink tights, and a set of giant (70mm) hoop earrings! I've always wanted earrings like these. I say these, but I can only wear one. I plan on getting my other ear pierced soon. I saw a music video in 1990, and it left a huge mark on me. I've always wanted to feel them. SOOOOOO glad I bought them (I then spent 30 minutes trying to put the small hoop I currently have back in my ear....I haven't taken it out in a long while).
As I said in my last picture posting. I'm not pretty. I know that. You don't need to tell me. But this about me taking a step. Because one day I will be hot. One day.
I've had a good night, I'm dressed. I'm relaxed. I'm.....tired now. But despite the other problems in my life, I'm feeling good about myself. Now we can let the Internet ruin that! (ED NOTE -that last line was a joke people :)
Thanks,
-C
Hey Cintia, love your confidence to post a selfie up, its a great start.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with you on Forever 21. When they put out those deals sometimes I just lose myself in feminine bliss and a shopping spree.
Glad to hear you standing up for yourself and not chickening out on admitting the package was for you in front of others. It seems most of the time the sales people will act professionally and not say anything, well atleast directly haha. I remember I once bought a bright pink shirt with a big sparkling heart with Barbie scripted in the middle at Sears along with some other items. I was rung up by a young guy but he never said anything to me and acted kindly throughout the whole interaction. I did enjoy watching his facial reactions though when he first saw it and had to fold it up for the bag.
My advice to you is continue on doing what your doing. These small steps are really going to add up in the long run. Soon enough all this is just going to feel natural and you'll find yourself forgetting you have some fem clothes on, a little makeup, or even your movements are more fem.
Thanks for the comment Keira!
ReplyDeleteI'd been trying to order from places that had discreet packaging, but this time I took a chance. And you know, I'm happy with the way it worked out. It really was a step for me.
I really feel like I'm changing. I find myself doing things subconsciously while in my boy mode, that I would normally try to hide. And that makes me happy.
Thanks for your advice and support, and for reading about my adventures. I'm always open to chat.
Thanks,
-Cintia
Good for you! Its the little moments that can make you feel the best about yourself!
ReplyDeleteThank you Dee Mentia. It's so true isn't it? When I feel girly, I feel so happy. It's the best drug on the market. Nice to hear from you:)
ReplyDelete