My captions can be found here: http://torrystgcaptions.tumblr.com/

2.12.14

I'm in a funk. It's been days since my last post. I'm depressed. I've had all this time to myself, to be myself...and I wasted it because I was too depressed. Apparently starring at the wall is better than living my life. I feel like such a fool.

Every time I look in the mirror I get sad. I hate it. I want to see ME staring back. But I don't. Not right now at least. I see all my flaws, including the invisible ones. 

I woke up at 8am and lied in bed until almost noon today. I didn't want to take on the world. I was scared. I know it's silly, but I just couldn't do it.

I went out to some stores because I needed to get some things, but I was in a daze, lost in the supermarket (Joe Strumer). I'm not present. I'm not in a good state. Spinach, Laundry Detergent, Broccoli, Tissues...I was back and forth in the store. I would like to see the security footage.

I feel alone. I see trans  girls on my tumblr feed and it looks like they have it all together...or at least somewhat. I'm jealous. But not in a bad way, maybe envious is a better word. That's a sin apparently...good thing I don't believe in that stuff. Maybe it's Beyonce's fault, I've been listening to her music non-stop...she's so fabulous....maybe I should blame her for my less than fabulous life:)

Funny, I don't have the fear of walking into a store and buying cosmetics right now. I mean I haven't done so, but I linger and it after my experience last week I feel fine about it now. I don't care. I just haven't wanted to do anything. WTF is wrong with me?

I wish there were some kind of pill I could take that would make me shorter, my shoulders slimmer, and my voice less......you know.  It's all these things that depress me.

I'm built like a (hockey reference) power-forward, but actually I am delicate. It's not fair, it's not something  I chose, and it's not something that should be judged.  But that's the world we live in.

I Googled "tall actresses" todday. That was the only thing that made me feel better.

If anyone has any advice or anything to share I really could use it. I'm in a really dark place. Comments are no longer moderated -let the haters hate.

Thanks,
-C

4 comments:

  1. Unknown3/12/14 05:54

    Cintia, I think we've all had those days at some point, even those who aren't bigender or trans-minded like you and me. Try to focus on little things that might make you a little happier, and build those up into something bigger. Maybe start with painting your toes or putting on some lipstick, then something like a favorite TV show, and then maybe something like going out to get your eyebrows waxed or threaded. Before you know it, hopefully you'll be able to look in the mirror and see the beautiful and confidant woman I think you really are.

    I think you should have my email now from this comment. Feel free to reach out if you'd like to talk in a more private setting than public comments :)

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    1. Torry G3/12/14 21:41

      Hi Janelle, I've taken your advice and just did some little things that make me smile. And you know, even though I had to work extra long today. I'm feeling a little better. Thank you! I'm not sure really how to get your e-mail address, maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I would totally love to talk with you that way. Thanks again for everything:)

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  2. Dee Mentia3/12/14 11:16

    Girls come in every form . short, tall, skinny as a rail, built like a linebacker (my GF weighs more than I do by about 30 pounds) some with deep voices or squeaky voices .. and everything in between! Even the most perfect (in most people's eyes) looking models all feel that there is something wrong with them. My daughter would love to swap her big boobs with her friend that has a B cup, who envies my daughter's cleavage.

    The reason why people have to go through therapy before/while doing SRS is that there are always underlying things that need to be taken care of, and those things won't go away on their own, even after the physical things are taken care of.

    What can I tell you to make you feel better? Well, other than letting you know that there are many people like you out there, and quite a few of them are in the internet TG community, could be of some consolation. Also, we care about you and hope that your spirit can be lifted out of this funk as quickly as possible so that you may live life to its fullest, or at least in a way that can keep you comfortable.

    Janelle gave some good advice too. Just having your toes painted or a pair of silk panties underneath you mundane clothes might help you get through a horrid day!

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    1. Torry G3/12/14 21:55

      Hi Dee, you're right, girls aren't all just one form, and I know it too...I think I just want to change so much about myself that I don't think about what I'm saying sometimes. I'm going to find a therapist too. I really appreciate what you wrote, you and Janelle offered some good advice and I am feeling a little better today. And yes, the panties helped. Thank you again for everything:)

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